Chapter Nine
It was very still and dark outside. A cool breeze swept by every now and then. The night had suddenly turned cold. It was an unexpected but very welcome change from the normally airless nights. Kimberly pulled her jacket more tightly around her.
As usual, supper had been delicious. Rueda had prepared the meal from a recipe that Mati had given her and everyone had loved the food. Kimberly had loved it too, though she would have loved it more if Hussein had been present. Or better, if they had had dinner alone under the stars like they had planned earlier.
She recognised that she was doing exactly what she had promised Jessica and herself that she would not do. She was falling in love with Hussein Mubarak Daniels. It was both scary and exhilarating. It was as if someone had uncoiled a tight string in her that she had not known was there and now, she was finding it impossible to string back up. Even worse, she did not want to string back up. She wanted to be free to love. She wanted to share this new discovery with the man who made her feel that way.
If only she could pause life for a moment so that she could allow herself to completely wallow in this feeling of love. How totally wonderful that would be. She sighed deeply. She had accepted many years ago that love was the one thing she could not allow into her life. Now, she thought how unfair it was that it should tease her so.
“It is a cold night.”
For a second, Kimberly thought she had imagined Hussein’s voice saying that. She turned. He was standing a few feet away, covered in the darkness where the lights from the veranda did not reach, yet still she could make out his profile. His image was deeply etched into her memory that she could make him out even with her eyes closed.
“You should get inside,” Hussein said. He moved into the light.
Kimberly studied him. He was still and almost distant. He did not smile at her. “I will in a moment,” she replied.
“How was your date?” he asked casually. It was not a casual question no matter how he made it sound. Just knowing that she had spent nearly the entire day with the guy who was supposed to be her ex-boyfriend was eating him up. No matter how much he reminded himself that the verse for his morning devotion that day had been Ecclesiastes chapter eleven verse ten which said, “Don’t let anything worry you or cause you pain. You aren’t going to be young very long,” he still couldn’t shake off the tension and anxiety that plagued him. It was precisely for that last statement of the verse that he couldn’t take things casually anymore. He was not getting any younger.
“Fine,” Kimberly answered. She did not need to give him the sordid details of her meeting with Newton. He pushed his hands into his pockets. She watched him. She had learnt to read that action to mean that he was either raging quietly or extremely impatient. She could no longer stand his cold attitude. Why did he have to be a prick just now when she was wondering how to deal with her feelings for him?
“So I take it you two are back together?”
“Would that be a problem to you?” She asked.
“Yes.”
Her breath hitched in her throat and her heartbeat escalated in apprehension. She turned so that could fully face him. “Why would that be that?” She asked slowly.
He stepped closer, his eyes intent on hers. Kimberly knew that something was happening between them, something she could not name. This moment held the power to direct whatever it was that was between herself and Hussein. She waited with bated breath.
“I thought we had something between us.”
She released her breath. She could not shake off the wave of disappointment that washed over her. He should have said more. He should have said that he was going to fight for her –even if there was no need for a fight. He should have said that he loved her. But what if he had said those words and meant them? Then what? She knew in her heart of hearts that she would never say the same words to him or to any other man. Was it selfish to demand what she herself could not give?
“I thought we were headed somewhere.”
“That is the danger of thinking for people,” she said. “You end up thinking wrongly.”
“But I did not. His hands flew out of his pockets to cup her cheeks. You know I’m right. Let’s not argue over this please.
“There is nothing to argue over.”
He sighed dejectedly before stepping away but he did not walk away. He stepped right back to where he had been standing and took her hands. “Why are you doing this, Kimberly?” he asked. “I know it’s not because of Isaac Newton.”
“How do you know that?” she challenged.
“I know,” he said gravelly, “because your eyes are all but begging me to touch you.” And because she did not reply, he added in a softer tone, “let me make you happy Kimberly. You have nothing to fear from me.”
“I am not afraid of anything from you.”
“Yes you are. Tell me, what are you afraid of?”
“Let’s live well enough alone, Hussein. I am begging you.”
“No! I want to know what scares you. What stops you from accepting what you feel?”
“I have already accepted what I feel, Hussein, and everything that comes with it, and that is why I think it will be best if we do not harbour any ideas about us.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t make this difficult for me please,” she pleaded.
“What about me?”
“Tell me, Hussein. If I were to admit that I have fallen in love with you and you with me, if you proposed marriage to me and I accepted, would you leave here, your hometown and everything you know to stay with me in Accra?” When he said nothing, she continued, “let’s not start what we cannot finish.” And with those words, she turned her back to him and headed for the door.
“I would fight for you,” he finally said. “Where there is a will, there is always a way.”
Kimberly stopped, but she did not look back. To say what she had to say, she could never look back. “There is nothing to fight for, Hussein. The sooner you accept it, the better for both of us.”
“If I loved you,” he said tentatively, “I would fight for us.”
“If you loved me,” Kimberly repeated quietly before she finally entered the house.
Hussein stood quietly outside as the frustration built up in him. He wanted to go after her. He wanted to tell her what he had known all along. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. He loved her like he had never loved any other woman in his life.
Seeing her with Newton the previous day had churned in him an overpowering feeling of jealousy. And even though he had recognised the green eye monster and fought hard to curb it, he had nearly been floored this afternoon when he had seen the man kissing Kimberly. Knowing that Isaac Newton had only done it to spite him was the only reason why he had been able to walk away from rushing to smash the man’s face.
He had known then, at that moment, that he had to tell her. She had to know that he loved her but he could not tell her now. She was not ready to hear it from him. He knew it would not be fair to tie her hands, especially when it was so obvious that she was battling her own fears. If only she would share those fears with him. If only she would trust him enough to help her. So many ifs. “Help me, God,” he prayed. “Show me how to go about this.”
Kimberly winced at the sharp pain in her head. It took an effort to get her eyes to open. She glanced at the clock on the chest of drawers. It was half past noon. She tried to sit up on the bed. The pain in her head shot up. She yelped and fell back on the bed. She racked her brain to remember why she was still in bed at half past noon but that only made the pain worse. She gave up and closed her eyes instead.
Then it all started coming back. There was not much to remember though. After her conversation of sorts with Hussein, she had landed in bed feeling that the world was suddenly meaner than usual and unable to sleep, she had cried her eyes out till the wee hours of dawn. She had finally fallen into a fitful sleep at nine am.
Even now as she recalled what had transpired between her and Hussein, she found herself close to tears again. It both annoyed her and made her feel sorry for herself. She did not know what was wrong with her. It was as though that talk with Hussein had broken a dam in her and she was being swept away with the flood of emotions. But it was not a one-way flood. She was being tossed about in every direction.
Roughly, she wiped a tear from her cheeks. You’re so stupid, she mentally chided herself. Crying like a baby. She heard her door being nearly thrown off its hinges. She did not move as she took a moment to compose herself. Whoever it was could not see her in her present state, even if they had no inclination to respect her privacy.
“Kimberly Greene!” Jessica thumped onto the bed, “don’t tell me you plan to sleep the day away.” When there was no answer, she asked gravely, “are you alright, Kim?”
“Hmm-hmm,” came the muffled reply.
“Are you sure?”
Again, “hmm-hmm.”
“Then why is your bed doing all the talking?” Jessica asked.
Kimberly rolled over.
Jessica took in her red puffy eyes, swimming in unshed tears and her eyes nearly pooped out. “My God, Kimberly, what happened to you? Why are you crying?”
“Oh, Farida,” Kimberly was suddenly off the bed and hugging her friend tightly, nearly knocking the breath out of her. Jessica sat quietly stroking her hair as she wondered what had happened. She had never seen Kimberly this distraught.
“I’m such a fool.”
“You know you are not. Get that out of your head.”
“But I have been. The worst kind.” She paused for breath and continued. “I’ve done the worst thing a person like me could ever do.” Jessica waited for Kimberly to tell her what unique crime she had been able to commit in her bed between last night and that afternoon. “I fell in love with him.”
